Momma, The Police and Pac-Man
70
Momma Got Picked Up
Momma is in jail again. This time her offenses include: fourth offense drunk and disorderly, assault and public intoxication. I do believe she will be spending some time in the klink this time around. I should and shall start from the beginning. Yesterday morning after momma caught me painting my pickle she stormed out of the trailer in a big huff. “No wonder I drink so much” were the last words I heard from her as she hopped onto the lawnmower. Now, when momma gets onto the garden tractor I know where she is headed. Larry’s Drive Through Liquor then to the saloon on main street.
Dirty Shame
The Dirty Shame Saloon boasts one pool table full of divots the shape of beer bottle bottoms and all of the balls are eight balls and fifteen balls. An original Pac-Man game sits forlornly in the corner and for about six dollars it may let you play a game or two. The damn thing has more brains than all of the patrons that frequent The Dirty Shame and probably makes a better living too. Also featured at the saloon is a jukebox from the late eighties. A dollar fifty will get you three plays, which happens to be the entire selection. "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club and "Hey Good Lookin' " by Hank Williams Sr. are the options. There is also a dart board but that is only for looks. No darts, are allowed in the bar, not after Goober Johnston lost his remaining eye last Mother’s Day.
Momma Heads to the Saloon
I could tell more was going on in momma's head as she popped the clutch and sped away on the tractor. She was in high gear and I could barely keep up as I walked beside her. Pleading to momma to stop and come home was hopeless. The more I pled the more belligerent she became. “ Momma, come home you know you aint suppose to be driving! I promise I wont play with my weiner anymore (lie). Just come home and we can talk about it! (futile). Momma sped over the waste water creek bridge nearly running a Geo Metro and it's family of six off the road. I stood in her dust, knowing I would have to go rescue her sooner than later.
Momma’s trail was an easy one to follow. She ran the mower deck on route the entire way, cutting a path on the shoulder to Larry’s Liquor and then on to the Dirty Shame Saloon. The trail of her curler’s was a sure fire indication that momma was getting ready for the bar on the fly. It was a good thing she was dressed when she stormed out earlier. On main street I picked up the last of momma's curlers and her bra. Momma always took her bra off whenever she spoke of the girls coming out with her, then she would admire her boobs protruding through her tube top from her belly. She always touched them when she spoke of the girls. I kind of think momma may be one of those bi-sectionals. At any rate maybe I would finally get to meet the girls in person on this day.
There on main street in front of the saloon was the garden tractor double parked in a handicap zone. I graciously pushed the mower to the curb, please no police. I entered the bar at one pm, the patrons, all six of them looks my way like they was wantin' to run me through for invading their turf. As I enterd in slow motion I felt like Clint Eastwood from “The Good, The Bad, The Ugly”. If not for Dexy's Midnight Runners blurting out another rendition of “Come On Eileen” I do believe you could have heard a pin drop.
No Momma
I asked Teddy Bear the bartender of momma's where abouts, he calmly told me, “that crazy stitch came in here, talking about a twerp crankin' his weasel on her couch, downed four shots of vodka, then left with Meth-od Man.” I was in for the long haul now and with nothing to do but wait and drink, I ordered my first round. “Do you really want to hurt me?” dropped onto the turn table. " Explative, yes I want to hurt you”, I thought at momma.
Day turned to evening, light to dark, round after round, the next drink quicker and easier than the preceding. I was drunk and in the corner having a conversation with the Pac-Man game when momma rolled in alone. Hank Sr.cranked out his thirty seventh rendition of “Hey Good Lookin' ” that evening and momma was flying high! Her tube top was on backwards and two curlers still clung to her head for dear life. Momma bellied up to the bar showing off all of the “modeling” money she had made from “John” that night. I politely excused myself from my conversation with Pac-Man and sauntered over to momma. “What do you want?” she asked disgustedly.
"I ammm herrre tooo take youeeew home. Youeeew arnt fit tooo drife hommme”, I slurred.
“Like hell! I am fine you little pervert! Leave me the hell alone before I fuzz you up!” She grinned that toothless grin that tells me she means business.
I backed off and went back to Pac-Man…”Now where wassss
I? Oh yeah, so hows the misssus, oh, I
ammm sssoreeee, I meeeen misssss Pac-Man.” ("Come
on Eileen…Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye
and we can sing just like our fathers")
911
I watched momma come and go with every man that graced the bar that night. She sure is popular. I continued drinking. At about midnight I was awakened to the smashing of beer bottles and a Banshee yell. Momma! She was pretty loaded and was screaming about money owed to her. “You owe me thirty dollars for the happy ending needle dick!” she slobbered. “I even provided you with a raincoat so the trip to the docks wouldn’t be a waste.”
A raincoat and a happy ending, I wonder what book she read to him? Surely a raincoat and a book were worth more than thirty dollars.
The man was having nothing to do with paying momma. That is when she reached for the pool stick and promptly broke it over her friends head! He hit the floor like a sack of potatoes as the bartender called 911. Here we go. ("Give me time, To realise my crime, Let me love and steal, I have danced inside your eyes, How can I be real, Do you really want to hurt me?")
Cuffs
The police walked across the road from the precinct just as momma was about to put the pool stick where the sun doesn’t shine. “Pigs!” she yelled. “You gonna get my money from this guy? I did him down at the docks and now he won’t pay.” ("Do you really want to hurt me? Do you…")
Cuffs! “Pest! You better come bail your momma out! You hear me?”
From behind me I heard, “let her go”. I turned as Pac-Man ran yet another demo across his screen.
“Thanks old buddy”
“No problem, anytime. Now go home”.
The Ride Home
I did as Pac-Man said. First I ordered up a liter of booze to take home in order to drown my sorrows for momma. As I drove the garden tractor back to the trailer park my sadness and lonliness was soon turned to glee. I was alone! I quickly made a date with the JcPenny's women’s section, a bottle of warm baby oil and my couch! I whistled the rest of the way home. ("Hey good lookin', whatcha got cookin' Hows about cookin' somethin' up with me?")
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Thank you sir. Your comments are greatly appreciated. Now it is off to the couch for me! ;)
where exactly in Minnesota do you live? I NEVER EVER want to go there, it sounds too much like a little town called Paris, Tennessee. As far as bail, well, at thirty dollars a pop, figuering six men, including the one that stiffed her, that comes out to 150, that should be more than enough to bail her out, let her hitch hike home...maybe she'll make that 150 back, if she swaps rigs enough times!
Battle Lake...About three hours from you. You are the first person that i met from MN here.
I'm new to Minnesota, only been here about a month and a half. I've met several other Minnesotians here, sassychic is the first one that comes to mind.
Another fine piece of shit hub Pest. I enjoyed it though I must say. You need to move back to civilization as you'd improve the culture with your humorous ways. Leave Momma behind with her girls. Oh, you might want to edit your 2nd sentence as there is one misspelled word. Assault, not assult, I suspect you may have spelled it that way on purpose though. Don't come to my world though as we have enough madness here with a few crazy loose Amish kids running people off the road with thier buggies and throwing beer cans at the cows.
Pest, I don't know how you do this, but it truly is some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, and it's written so well! This one was hysterical, and your momma gets more vivid in my imagination each time you write a story. What an absolute HOOT and a great way to start a day. :)
Two thumbs up!
C.C. Thanks for the edit alert! I can't stand posting something then finding an err two or three days later. I think Iposted this at around two am...against my own judgement. Actually some of my "influences" come from the Amish that lived in the area. Thanks for the "wonderful" and much appreciated comments.
Pam, Once again Iwas a bit worried when I posted this Hub as I tried some different things ie..adding the music and my friend Pac-Man. Oh, and the fact that this took place outside of the trailer park. I don't feel the reader deserves to be subjected to the same scenery every Hub. When I was in the Army we had a female that had boobs that literally looked as if they greq from her tummy and her ass was so high up on her back that she could pull her wallet from her back pocket by reaching over her shoulder. Momma gets a lot of her body from this one person.
bi-sectionals, friggin hysterical!
nice plug of MOMH, as I like to reference it as, by the way.
come on eilieen -- classic and I still love it, should I be ashamed of this?
Oh and if you're giving out copies of your book to cult followers, please e-mail me as I am one. Shrine underway.
C.C. Riter, you are a hoot -- buggies, amish, throwing beer cans, running people off the road, cows.
Pest. i love you and you know I do. Can't help but yank yet chain now and again. I know it pisses me off too to find an error in my writing after I publish it. Very annoying that.
thanks Fieda for the mention. haha U ever read "Abandoned Prayers?" check it out, truly sick amish guy twisted pervert and now thankfully dead from my part of this great world too, Eli Stutzman, what a piece of work he was!
So he's for real? I'm checking it out now!
Frieda, it would make a great hub for you.
Argh! I can't find it C.C.! link it!
http://www.crimeandjustice.us/forums/lofiversion/i
So sorry Pest. I should have sent it to her via email. dint think
Pest
So this is why I've not been catching but a scent of you lately! This hilarious, uproarious, highly amusing, sidesplitting, comical, funny hub! And i see you've gotten the groove baybee...fancy - and I'd throw in studied - formatting! The works! LOL
By the way, I love the soundtrack to Momma's travails - very 80s! This is excellent, you owe me a round at the Dirty Shame! *wink*
It seems you're not manning this fort. oh well we'll see each other eventually :D
Again, Genius! LOL in tears!!!!
C.C. Dont worry about it. You can post anything you want here. I am not a stickler. I appreciate the added traffic. :D
Frieda. Yeah it may not be so good that you remember the words to "come on eileen" :D I wanted two of the most annoying and non redneck songs from the eighties to be part of the three selections. And one true saloon type song found everywhere in the saloons with Hank. Inevitably some drunk always drops twenty into the jukebox and plays eveything that I hate, here if you drop the twenty there are two that I hate and one that is ok ...over and over, and over. It helped with my mental breakdown and conversation with Pac-Man.
Cris, Yeah I gave a couple of hints in other comments that I was working on a new one. Thanks for the comments...you are still my #1 critic.
thanks Pest, you're a trooper of low morales indeed. I love you in a dude sort of way too.
If I had high morales life would be an everyday disapointment. I keep my expectaions and standards as low as possible as well, that way i always come out a winner. ;)
You smart ass! Nice hub! It reminds of my time living in Florida...this hub describes a large portion of Florida without even naming a town.
Thanks for the read! !
Thank you Amy. I think all of my travels with the Army has helped to gel and lump many dives into one trailer park community. I don't know about "smart" ass. I do have a grogeous ass though, but you would already know this if you read my "Pest's Photo Album and Petition For Hottest Hubber of All Time" Click on the link above if you have not! :D
Hey Pest, what a hoot!! When I was little I would visit a friend in southern Ohio over the summer. The places we would frequent with her Momma sound a lot like the The Dirty Shame. Thanks for taking me back to the good old days! :D
Ardie, Thanks for stopping by and the comments. There were a lot of these places in our small farming community. Everyone knew everyone and strangers were not always the most welcome.
Love your tales of momma Pest! you doin a awesome job! and see, you leavin smiles, chuckles n heckles, lol
Thank you Dame! Where been hiding? Missed you ! ;)
Pest, where i grew up there was a place called Knock-em-stiff, not too far from Chillicothe. Still on the map too. Now where do you suppose it got its name. S. part of Ohio too. ring a bell Ardie? another one is Rat, Oh., lots of bars like the one you are talking about here. Been to many of them not too long ago and met all the people you talk about, they live everywhere, knew a guy like you and he even resembles you, he was known as Fatso. He said he didn't mind, but I'm not too sure about that. Funny guy too, and raunchy. You bring out a lot of memories for me friend. Thanks
Pest, I know what you mean by strangers not being welcome to the smaller places. My hometown is small and outsiders were always considered 'bad'. It took some time to be accepted
Hi CC, no it doesnt. I was in the New Philly area or Scioto (sp?) But I think any place you go in S Ohio is gonna have a tons of the small dive bars :) They are good places for people watching!
Hir Ardie, my Wee One has family in Newcomerstown, we go there ever so often. I'm from much further down.
Pest this was my favorite part: popped the clutch and sped away on the tractor. She was in high gear and I could barely keep up as I walked beside her.
That and the name of the saloon, Dirty Shame. That would have made a great profile name!
C.C. Yup, I am a bit on the raunchy side. A bit "Randy" if you will :D
Randy: When I was a kid i would hook the garden tractor up tp a barn beam and pop the cluthc causing the tires to spin as I slowly drug the weight across the driveway. ... more examples of my life put to words here.
PLEASE to all who read, go to my profile and read...then act upon the request. :D
When I was a kid, we used baling twine to drag planks of wood behind the tractor. Then we'd go mud surfing in the tracks, while the guys were feeding the cattle. Great fun until a thrush bush or something else popped out from under the wheel and you didn't have time to jump off. Ouch!
nothing better than a story from the dingiest of bars where us bottom feeders get our kicks. I'm glad at least you got a happy ending. I get horny when I'm drunk too.
Classic stuff man!
GT, Stranger! I have some pretty decent news as of tonight. i get horny but but I am no good for sex...I pass out on myself jacking off a lot.
Thanks Dork I can't believe you came over to read my stuff. don't you have a following to tend to?
dammit! Quit your job already. I am a bum and it is working out just fine. tree bark and ferell cats are a bit tough at first, but they grow on you.
how scary would it be for my family to have to move in with you and momma?
I dont know...is your wife hot?
yes, but she carries a machete.
I'm taking off from work now, probably won't be be around till tomorrow, I get to go home sleep, for about five hours and head back into work for another round of abuse.
Is your wife hot? Is your wife hot?! Pest, you are too much. Way too hilarious. I'd question this story but I grew up in the projects--sort of a 1950's version of a trailer park. God, you isss zo crazy!
You are fairer than a flourescent bulb,more handsome funnier than an African jackass, more flavoursome than a glass of bubbly.
I picture you walking into the Dirty Shame, in slow motion, holding yuour momma's bra and hair curlers - not to mention the vision of her turning up later, you drunker, with her boob tube on backwards and two curlers clinging to her hair - laugh ? I wet my knickers ! Twice ! Keep on respecting your mum.
druneric: You lived in the projects? I live in the petri dish of society of which "penecilin" has not yet been discovered.
blondepoet...I am moving to australia, make room on your couch.
I seem to be causing a lot of wet knickers as of late. Just the wrong kind of "wet". :(
Haha do you mean couch as in a sofa with a poof for your feet, or couch as in lawn. Perhaps when you say make way for you, you are really asking me to mow a welcome strip up my couch lawn.Just joking Pest I know exactly what you mean
Your Momma is one fine lady you know,I can imagine her in a movie like 'Big Mommas House', she has the groove thing going on. if she ever needs her nails done send her over to me, I should love to converse with her. I can teach her all the Aussie slang words as well
Damn...now I've got to go back and read all your stuff.
I read again and laughed just as hard. sorry your other hub got pulled (so to speak!).
Are you sure you didn't swipe this work of art from Hemingway? How you put up with your Mama, and how your Mama puts up with you, I'll never know. You're the original dis-fuc-ktional family! Great hand jo...uh...just job. Great job!
So tell me, when did this addiction of masturbating on the couch start? And at what stage did your mother start reacting to it? Or was it because of your mother's unusual social behavior that your addiction started? Take your time, I've cleared the afternoons appointments so we can get to the bottom of this.
Dude. Freakin hilarious! I love it. I want to move in with you guys.
Pest where are you.? You are not looking after your guests here.Oh to be neglected.
Pest your fans await your presence!
you got mail
And lots of it! ok...I feel like when my fucking dad use to say " let's go take a walk ". It was NEVER good!
Oh Pest, you know the true way to a woman's heart is through her funny bone! You have mine. :)
That is so sweet...the first bone I have had in a few days!
*reads comment above and says Yuck!*
Anyway, I'm off. See ya in a bit. If you see toady, smack his head for me then run! :D
Glad you have surfaced at last. BTWI see CW has gone ahead again YAY!
Your stories should be published as books, I swear.
MellasViews... I have been accepted to "Boy Toys" and "Cabana Boy Fasion". "Trailer Swapper" a subsidiary of "Auto Swapper" has shown interest. Other than that no book offers. :)
I am beside myself Lololol!!! Start publishing and did momma find all of her curlers???Lol Keep them coming. :)
Hey!!! Bring back M*&^%% just bleep it!!! Be bold, do it!!!
I can't bring back the Masturb#$ion Hub...I will get banned. There is absolutely nothing to bleep in the first place.
I am sad , let me check out another place you can put it and , in fact I will e-mail you over the weekend and invite you to it!!!:) Well Masturbation is not a naughty word...:(
Another thought they would ban you and you are not explicit on hilariously funny, but it is o.k. to reveal women's nipples on the Indian pages..mmmmm. what is wrong with that pic??? Oh well it was hilarious and we certainly are missing a good thing, thanks for return my stilettos!!!! Lol :)
It is my favorite past time! I took pictures of my ass in a thong to make a mens thong thread...not gonna happen here!
I was reading through the hubtivity page and saw this title. I was curious about the Pac MAn thing. I am so glad i found this!!! You are so funny!
Tootles!!
Well why not????? I know they woudl tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree!!!HaHaHa Lol.....::))::
Nayberry, You have to read all of the hubs from the begining to really get the entire story. thanks for reading! Hope to see you again!
AE if I get booted who are you going to discuss J lube issues with???
Now I am going to up half the night trying to read your hubs. Yeesh! A hubber never sleeps- too many great hubs keeping me awake at night. I have read three of your ubs already tonight. When I do dose off, I'll be laughing i my sleep. LOL
Tootles!!
Great job, Pest!!!! I felt like I was right there with you...man, that is just sick! I really didn't need to see that! LOL!
I don't want you to get booted then one of my buddies would be gone , gone with the J lube and I would be so sad and ...sniff sniff,:(
Nayberry, thanks so much! Welcome and enjoy...The comments to all of the Hubs are just as good as the Hubs!
Anna! My spectacular ass in a thong!!! Who would not want to see that???
AE...We keep talking like we do and you and I will have to get a room!!!! :D
Yeah, you have a point there. Maybe you should post pics of that and title the hub "Hot Indian Women something or other." It would fly under the radar of HubPages...no one would ever know the difference. Except the people who really matter! Like me, of course!
Butter in the couch cushions tonight, huh Pest! :)
Anna, you are right!!! I am hotter than most of those women, my ass has less hair and less pimples!
Tom, did you get my message in the "hell" Hub???
Ha ha...with that mental picture, I am off to bed!! Such sweet dreams await me, I can hardly stand it!
You shouldn't stand and try to sleep...It is dangerous.
The hell hub?
Yeah, the "where is hell" Hub...Was just curious if my message was approved for you to view...
I am off to bed peoples! Tired! See you all tomorrow!
Nope, he must have unapproved it. I think he might be out of butter? :)
Figures...moderating to suit his opinion..sounds like religion to me. What a dweeb!
An old Jewish friend of mine once told me,"It's not Jesus that we have a problem with, it's the people who work for him."
I have to say. Some tears of laughter have definiatly been shed. Though the story is completely unbelievable, I have to agree it was very funny. Was it based upon a dream or a nightmare lol. I have to ask because I've never heard of such events taking place in my life. On the otherhand, I live in Oregon and not much happens here, except the casual efforts of protesters. I give this hub a "Fun Funny Fun" on the scale of comedy. Which for short, is pretty good. I definatly will be checking up on you for some more comedy every once and a while.
readers.critic@gmail.com
Well, thank you! This is where I plug my next Hub! Stick around it is on the way...about another hour. Be sure to read the "saga" from the beginning.
I got my beer ready.
dude you are in the Hub... :) I am going to be adding Hubbers as I need characters
shit, I better stay half way sober then.
I'll be sure to check it out tommarow. I've got to go now. But send me an email at readers.critic@gmail.com when you finish it so I can be reminded. Will check it out though. Make sure to include the link to the hub in the email, also check out My 1st hub. It kinda tells what I'm about.
Toad just stay off the Salvia!
I'm already drinking, too many beers now to smoke anything.
You got salvia?! *drooling*
No I just have my buds and my beer, maybe Pest does.
buds & beer, huh? are they not the same thing? okay will ask Pest, if he could be found :D
he's working on his project. buds in this case referes to marijuana buds. but no worries, I drank too many beers to smoke one now.
Hey guys, Is it a federal offense to mail a joint to my brother?
I hear they are using fed ex from northern cal to everywhere in the US, too much to stop.
He has cancer. He use to give me his homegrown all the time. I gave him back the seeds. Fed Ex huh? Thanks GT!
Brilliant, loved this hub and it cracked me up laughing :)
This story made me so homesick. Why did I ever move to civilization?
TC-I'm sure there are several growers on line from Mendocino county that will ship.
Cool! Maybe they could stuff a pound in a small flat rate box! :)
uh, maybe an ounce or two, its probably around 5-6 hundred an ounce
Shit! I use to buy it for 30 bucks an OZ! I will have to make payments on a joint! I'll just keep overdosing on my wifes Motrin, it.s only 3 bucks a bottle.
You can get 30 dollar ounces of some dirty mexican stuff, pounds of that go for around 250, but like I said, very seedy, very dirty.
Thanks Toad, 250 is closer to my budget. I don't mind seeds, the POP is funny.
You just keep roughin' up the suspect, Pest. Sooner or later your momma will realize that it doesn't make you a pervert. Maybe if you gave me her phone number, I could talk to her for you. Maybe even come over and explain things in detail. You know, over dinner or somethin'.
You people are awesome!
looking forward to your new hub!
I reworked my Banned Hub, you know the one...still denied. >:(
nice post... i like this informative information of .... more post please... i enjoy reading this...Thanks dude...
LMAO @ a family of six in the geo metro!
Gwendymom, that part of the story is close to true. Sdly most of my junk is close to true!
sixtyorso 3 years ago
Brilliant Hilarious hub. Great writing great humour and I now have my answer to the question posed on your other hub. I stand in awe of your not inconsiderable writing skills!