Laying in the Sun

By Pest

Today I found momma laying topless in the afternoon sun out back of the trailer. Mind you she had been blacked out since the night before and this is where she came to rest after a night of "work" and the devil knows what else. Her top probably came up missing sometime at around midnight, but by that time nobody in momma's company could tell her boobs from a pair of nylons filled with potatoes. Those that could still tell the difference promised themselves to start drinking much earlier and heavier from then on. Dont get me wrong, momma still has a decent body when it is all tucked in and put away propper, but when the duct tape comes off good luck not staring in disbelief or turning away as you lose your lunch. Momma has always said that she could hypnotize the men, but I believe the correct term would be traumatize the men and even any women involved colaterally.

I have been trying to tell momma that she has been drinking too much again. Four drinking and driving convictions should be proof enough for her. The next time she gets caught drinking and driving the authorities may not even give the riding mower back to me. Momma disagrees that one can be too drunk to drive a riding lawnmower to town and back, but who else slams into a deer driving a cub cadet to town? I believe the deer would have survived if momma hadn't been attempting to mow the center line. The cub cadet spat bits of venison all the way into town. Some people like to play pool when they drink but momma likes to mow. The sod farm outside of town has erected a new barrier fence to keep momma from mowing their business into the ground.

Momma can also eat just about anything when she has had a half gallon too much to drink. Most of her cooking is done in a total blackout and she remembers very little the next day...As she is retching in the bathroom she will inquire if I knew what she had eaten the nigh before. As the chunks filter through her nostrils I will hear her say, "did I eat a corn pizza last night?". I simply say yes trying to avoid another puke conversation from her. The is nothing worse than making small talk to a woman with slobber hanging from her chin and chunks in her ears. One night momma staggered home mumbling to herself. She pulled out the leftover mashed potatoes from the fridge, poured vodka over them and ate them as if they were smothered in brown gravy. As I gagged, momma trickled into the bathroom and promptly filled the sink with her potato and vodka slurry.

Cats are not safe when momma has had too much to drink either. There was a time when we had a tom cat that was getting into our garbage and covering his property with his pee. Momma vowed to kill the stray cat if it was the last thing she did. One night I saw the poor animal creeping in to invade the garbage. I prayed to God that momma would not see the poor cat, but since God and I are not on speaking terms He never got my message. Momma was bad off again, drunk on corn whiskey and "nerve" pills, she rushed to fetch the shotgun. Keep in mind the gun she grabbed is the one that I shoot full grown deer with. Momma staggered out the front door and came face to face with her nemesis, aimed and fired. Somewhere in the distance a child cried, all was silent all accept the cat who just lost his tail. Running in circles yowling to high heaven was a now tailless tom cat. Momma simply slithered back into the house ashamed or just this side of her blackout momma must have realized the err of her action. That Sunday the pastor asked us to pray for healing of his three year old daughters tailless tom cat. Momma and I are now on the express lane to hell...I am there by association.

It sure does seem like I am always baling Momma out of all kinds of trouble because of her drinking. She claims that as long as she is not shooting the alcohol into her veins that I should chill out. I on the other hand believe that since it makes ME want to shoot the alcohol into MY veins then she has a problem. Momma attended AA meetings for a few months and completed rehab only to proclaim later that by attending the meetings and completing rehab that she had learned a thousand new ways to mix drinks and a hundred more on how to get away with it. Momma couldn't wait to try them all out and so here we are today, Momma topless on her back with her boobs laying on either side of her. This is not how I pictured life with momma, but then again what normal male would ever picture boobs like that?!

Tom, the chief of police has tried to intervene, only to wake up hung over next to momma on the living room floor. Our neighbor Toad has tried to intervene, knowing that he could never be of any help. He ended up waking up bloodied and in his own bathroom, unfortunately for toad momma gets a little aggressive while in a black out. I tried to intervene one time and one time only. Momma threatened to take away the "privilege" of living with her and to toss my couch out with the garbage that Tuesday. Intervention or not, momma does drink too much but as long as I keep my couch and my place in the trailer, mommas drinking is none of my business.

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